Drama Queen

This is going to sound absolutely terrible. But sometimes, I just. Don't. Wanna. I don't wanna pick up that item he dropped on the floor, I don't wanna lay out the meds, I don't wanna put him into bed. As a husband and wife, there are definitely bound to be days that you just need your space, when the other will do something to tick you off and you just want to be as far away from them as possible in that moment. Well, that luxury is out the window when one is almost completely reliant on the other. Yes, we still fight because we are still two human beings cohabitating in one house, one life. And on those days that things just aren't clicking or there weren't enough hours of sleep had the night before, I just don't wanna.

The call for help sends a ripple of frustration up my spine and I mutter, "of course you do." The extra intimately close proximity necessary while I'm helping him transfer is the last place I want to be. In my head I say, "Go ahead and do it by yourself." Those days that I'm picking up after the kids, or rush off to many appointments, scrambling to prepare dinner for everyone who is absolutely staaarrrrving, chasing the kids into the shower and off to bed, doing the chores that had once been "his" chores - on those days that I'm just slaving away and he's sitting there on the PlayStation or his phone I just want to scream, "Do SOMETHING!"

I have many of these days. To the outside world I seem to be managing it all with not a stress in the world and a smile on my face. I am the YES girl. I never ask for help. But inside I am drowning, having an emotional breakdown and full of anxiety, anger and boy am I tired. 

We do talk. When it's gotten to the point that I can no longer hold all of it in and I am sulking or hiding or uninterested in any of the things going on around me. When I don't want to talk, he notices. He asks me what's going on. Sometimes I feel too guilty to lay it out on him. Other times, I just can't take it anymore and I tell him what's inside. It's not easy. I know deep down that he doesn't want to ask for help. I know that he's restless and bored and needs something to do as well. I know that it's not his fault that now all of his burden falls on me. But we talk. I explain that I'm overwhelmed, that I get frustrated being the only one working my tail off while he gets to sit around doing nothing. I tell him I would like to see him try harder to do things around the house. I tell him that it makes me not want to be around him. But it's a vicious cycle that repeats itself. At this point, he is still trying to figure out what he can and cannot do. He is still trying to make his way comfortably around the house. He deals with the sadness of being confined to the first story and hasn't seen or slept in his own bed in over a year. I can't imagine the struggles he is faced with every single day.

I carry much of the physical stress of caregiving and maintaining home life as well as the emotional stability of our entire family. I am the anchor keeping everyone from drifting off into the emotional abyss...keeping everyone in check. And in these occasional lapses in sympathy when it all becomes to big of a cross for me to bare, I just. Don't. Wanna.

The Accident

Just over a year ago, our lives changed for forever. I refer to the day or occurrence or tragedy as the accident. It started as a pretty typical weekend morning, except that I had a photo shoot early on. When I got home, we had decided it was a nice day to go to the beach. We tried our usual spot - a nice, quiet lagoon with a mix of locals and tourists and no ocean current. But the parking lots were completely full. Now this is where we can insert the "woulda coulda shoulda" phrases. We decided to find somewhere else to go because we were all dressed and ready for fun in the sun. But at the same time, we had debated just going home defeated.

We found another beach park very close to home. It was bustling, but this place was filled with more locals than the last. Many tents and bouncy houses were set up for a good time. The current looked strong from the get go. In fact, we had told the kids they weren't allowed to go in unless Mom or Dad were with them. We wanted to sit and bask for just a little bit before going in but until then it was ankles deep only.

When my husband finally gave in to the begging and pleading to go into the water and after getting sweaty from the heat and sun on shore, he went in. He wasn't even in for that long. I wasn't watching the time or anything, but it felt like 15 minutes-ish. Husband and the 3 oldest (if you haven't been following me along the whole time, we have 4 little spawns) were jumping around in waist deep water with waves crashing around them just like many other visitors that day were and much like countless people everyday do here in Hawai'i. But in what I can only describe as a freak accident, he had jumped into a wave the wrong way and the strong current took him further down into the water than he expected. He hit his head on the sandy ocean floor in just the right way and broke his neck. He was immediately paralyzed. Had I not been sitting on the sand with my than 4 month old baby taking pictures of everyone, I probably wouldn't have noticed him calling for help. He was not able to flail his arms to get my attention and the waves were pretty loud muffling his calls. After a failed attempt by my 8 year old, I left my baby on the towel, directed my daughter to get out of the water and look after him and attempted myself to pull the dead weight of my husband out of the water. I needed help from another swimmer nearby and we pulled him to shore.

Four hospitals later (1 extended 3 month period on the mainland) and much therapy, my husband is diagnosed as a C6/C7 quadriplegic. We faced many struggles early on...most of which were emotional. We had to grieve this tragedy. We had to deal with it emotionally (and still do) and the way we were feeling played very much into the way we dealt with other problems handed to us. We struggled to get to the facility we had researched and wanted to go to for the best care. We struggled with being away from three of our children. We struggled with insurance issues. We struggled with getting our brand new home modified in a timely manner for our return. We struggled with purchasing a wheelchair accessibly van. We have struggled.

Today we have managed to face many issues and continue to navigate our way to normalcy. It's a road to recovery full of ups and downs. This accident has changed us in many ways for both the good and the not so much. But I have decided to share the ride with anyone who is willing to listen in hopes of connecting with others in similar situations. I have also found much therapy in writing...poems, journaling, etc. It's a channel that I can release the negative energy in order to make room for the positive and also to receive positive feedback and support through the good. I hope to share my experience in a way that is relatable and makes you both laugh and cry.

ske.

Latest Pictures Part 2: The Holidays

Keeping this short and sweet because both kids are calling for my attention!!!  Yikes!


Christmas Eve: After church and getting ready for bed (Thanks, Grams, for the matching jammies).  Can you tell which one is Rudolph? Rieley had been crying because she was upset she slept through mass and then didn't want to go to bed.  Lol.

Christmas morning...the kids both got tons of great gifts.  Thank you, everyone, for your generosity!!

Day after Christmas, we got some snow via a blizzard! It was a little late, but at least we go our White Christmas.  Rieley enjoyed the sled Santa got her! : )  Then she made a snow angel before going back inside for hot cocoa.

We tried to celebrate New Year's like we did back in Hawaii with a little bit of fireworks.  Grams and Papa Joe drove down from NY with even more Christmas gifts including the lifesize foot piano that Rieley enjoys.

Just some random pictures of the kids having fun in the snow and with the neighbors.  : )  It's been a pretty chilly winter with lots of snow...we've gotten 3-4 feet total since the first blizzard after Christmas to present.  It's just building up and the kids are truly making the most of it.
Not the best pic of the little prince, but on 1/8 Mr. Man made 2 months old.  How time flies!!!  If you can't tell, he's growing rather quickly.  At his last appointment, Taytum measured 24.5" (a whole 5 inches longer than he measured at birth) and 16lbs 5oz! (a whole 9lbs heavier than his birth weight). That puts him in the 100th and 91st percentiles respectively. Yep, he's a WHOPPER!!

Latest Pictures Part 1: Trip to WV and then some

Here are the pictures I promised. Enjoy! : )


Pic 1: 'hawkin it.  Pic 2&3: We had just come home from taking family portraits and were dressed up so we figured we'd take our own pics in front of the tree.

We saw some of God's most beautiful work in the scenery on the road trip to West Virginia. These particular pictures were taken while passing through PA.

Playing at Grandmere's house.  The cousins had a blast playing together for the 1st time.  They sure tired out poor Jason.  Hehe.

More beautiful sights on the way back home. It was snowing through the mountains of WV (where we also passed the town of Elkins...lol) and the sunset in Maryland painted fabulous colors across the sky.  The night after the lunar eclipse, the moon looked huge in the dark nights' sky.